On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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