i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
