Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love you. Go after that dick
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
