I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I need to align my fucking chakras
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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