I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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