she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
