Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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