did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
