i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
