When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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