Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
