I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
