What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
