Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
