He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
