Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
