omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
