i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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