I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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