You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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