2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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