I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
