are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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