Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
