take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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