You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
