Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
