You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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