i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
