I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
