please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
