If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
