i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
try to milk me bitch
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