Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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