You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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