youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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