maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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