I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
