I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
