i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
