Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
