9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
