New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
