We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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