i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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