Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Randomize
