I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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