last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Your dad touched me again.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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