My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
