everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
